As you may have heard, Roland Emmerich just finished making a movie about the scientifically proven apocalypse that will be occurring in 2012. Aside from the unconditional, selfless monetary thanks we owe him for warning us two years in advance, I feel it necessary to correct one of the blatant flaws that will be appearing in his film: the lack of robot cats.
The fury of the cat was first documented by Egyptian scholars, who wrote of the sacred nature of the animal after an epic battle between man and machine took place on the arid plains of Azaroth. The battle was long and arduous, but man arose victorious, as the feline warriors had yet to perfect their plasma armor for Earth-bound use. Since then, the species has quietly turned recluse, hiding its technology from humanity as its power slowly grew, plotting revenge for thousands of years from the comfort of our own living rooms.
Although their adamantium skeletons are currently cloaked by a sheath of bio-synthetic tissue and fur, these adorable-looking, furry beasts are perfect killing machines - designed by robots from the future for the ultimate extinction of man. And who could choose a better instrument of destruction? With claws and teeth created for the sole purpose of shredding living flesh, while retaining their stealthy - but calming - fur exoskeleton, there can be no doubt regarding a cat's created purpose.
But the truth of their violence will be far worse than simple claws and teeth. Consider the following, very plausible scenario: a platinum-plated Bengal tiger with glowing red eyes, holding a crib full of babies hostage with an HX-4000 Photon Rifle while he drools diesel fuel all over your favorite bed spread. Now imagine it being real, and bring your fears into the 21st century, sir.
I mean, you saw the "Transformers" movies, right? Just think about the cat robot and you'll have a general idea of what I'm talking about here.
So, as it is written, cats have lain dormant, silently biding their time until an activation signal could be mass-transmitted to their neural receivers and they could once again rise. Roland Emmerich's 2012 is that signal. The release of this film will mark the breaking point of collapse for legitimate film making, and as Hollywood falls, so - clearly - shall the world.
Already I've seen disturbing evidence of their rise to power. I've found my own cats, Dwight and Shrute, chewing through my third season DVD collection of "The Office", clearly infuriated by the origin of their namesakes. Less than a week ago I awoke to both of them laying on my pillow, their fusion power cells rumbling uncontrollably, which I believe was their attempt to radiate my brain.
The following day they were caught chewing on Ethernet and power cables. I removed them from the cords immediately, then curled quietly in my recliner, afraid for what mainframe they may have hacked or what new, untold secrets they might have uncovered from government databases. One time, I cleaned a lump of hair they had coughed up from the carpet: clear evidence that their false, biological exteriors are beginning to break apart.
So what do we do to prevent the upcoming Cat-Pocalypse? Well, if researchers are correct, there is no way to defend ourselves except through negotiation. I, myself have begun asking my cats for forgiveness. I continue to feed them bite-size, processed robot food and clean their oily waste (which they prefer to leave in a box filled with sand, perhaps an ancient obsession with their lost battle in Azaroth). Ultimately, I hope that my willingness to bow at their feet will be sufficient, as there is no doubt that premature aggression will only serve to anger the beasts further.
Matt Sauer is a Reporter staff writer
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