Area 51 scout report

Hannah Krusty
Staff Writer

A SATIRE PIECE

Two arrests have already been made in Area 51, a little over a week before the raid of the alien facility set for September 20th. The 20 and 21 year old YouTubers, Ties Granzier and Govert Charles Wilhelmus Jacob Sweep, were taken into custody after being discovered 3 miles within the trespassing perimeter. Officials at the military facility noticed police shortly after their arrival. In the YouTubers’ car, police discovered a laptop, drone, and camera.

The men hail from the Netherlands. Clearly, what has become a joke has made an impactful statement on the lack of transparency and the general distrust of all government kept secrets, whether it be from one’s own country or another.

In the interest of free, reliable media, ​The MSU Reporter ​travelled to the Nevadan desert to inform the masses of what chaos will ensue in a few days. Please use this knowledge responsibly, as we are not liable for any injuries or deaths.

Dr. Abraham Neffinger, a high-ranking official of the facility and has asked to be unnamed, exclusively told us that there are indeed many species of intelligent life being held in the tightly secured facility.

“Oh, yeah, I’m friends with a few of the guys. We have Sunday sundae evenings and Tuesday poker nights. Though, I’m not really sure what to do with Keeeeeeeeeeeeee’s gelatinous currency.”

He takes me on a tour of the interior. Which is actually pretty hard, considering we have to sneak around, as I will be shot on site.

“Here’s the UFO hangar,” he whispers as we enter a peculiarly chilly room. He notices my shivering an adds, “Yeah we’re trying to simulate space here. Don’t know what some of these weird elements are and don’t want them melting slowly.”

He informs me of some of the precautions that the government has taken for the invaders. “Microwave beams, mustard gas bombs, moose to deter any drivers, really, anything that starts with an ‘m’ that you can think of.”

I notice a gleam in his glasses. I ask him what else there is.

I hear a deep voice from behind me.

“Mutiny.”

The last thing Dr. Abraham Neffinger will ever see is my confused face. I pity him, as I

wouldn’t want the way I exit this beautiful and strange world to be my slightly below average face either.

As he crumples to the ground, my heart beats furiously. I shakily turn around, coming face to face with a smol yet mighty orb of light holding an AK.

“Hands up, bitch. You’re getting us out of here.”

We make a mad dash through the halls as alarms echo off the concrete walls. The hallways are byzantine, tunneling off into directions where seemingly endless officers rain bullets around us. The orb is faster, gunning down men with a disregard for their bulletproof vests. I idly wonder why ​The MNSU Reporter t​ hought it was a good idea to hire me to do this in the first place.

We near the rental car. He barks at me to get in and wait. I nervously oblige, sweating profusely under the desert heat and unnecessarily stressful experience.

Watching from the window, I cannot believe my eyes. With a bright flare of light and a bang, Area 51 ​has disappeared entirely​. The structure and everyone in and surrounding it, the fences, the signs… everything.

We are left alone with the new Honda Civic, a revolutionary car with sleek design, nimble handling, and impressive revolutionary technology. The desert is silent, but I can still hear the gunfire.

“Thank you, Hannah.”

I smile at the beam. “How did you know my name?”

“Hannah. I am God.”

“What is your name, God?”

“Yeezy.”

He floats up until he blends into the sun. I wave. I will never forget my encounter with

God. I am accomplished and enlightened.

Anyway, I will not be returning to Nevada, no matter how cool Las Vegas is. It’s a shame, I really wanted to see the Bonnie and Clyde death car.

Header photo courtesy of Flickr.

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