This is a satire. Don’t take this seriously.
On Tuesday, March 15, I just finished my last class for the day via Zoom, and I hear a shatter coming from the kitchen. My roommates have broken three glasses in the past month, and at this point I think I’ve decided I’m going to ask my mother for hand-me-down sippy cups.
Anyway, I make my way out of my room and my roommate is flopped across the couch like every movie rendition of a therapy session, staring at the ceiling fan. He throws his arms up and announces that we’re getting rid of Daylight Savings Time.
I don’t know about you, but for me, the only thought running through my mind was, I guess that means I won’t have to spend half the year with the clock in my car an hour behind. However, my roommates first thought was, society as I know it, is collapsing.
I tried explaining to my roommate that Daylight Savings Time really isn’t one of the fundamental parts of America – that would be the Constitution and racism – and that it’s okay for things to change, but this man wouldn’t have it.
I hadn’t previously taken him for the conspiracy theory type of dude, but he drew a line from the mask mandate being lifted, to the loss of Daylight Savings Time, to the revolution soon to hit our country. I told him not to worry; we still have a couple phases between now and the revolution, like converting to the metric system and having a women president.
He took our notepad off the fridge and started writing down a list for his underground bunker. Canned beans, Ramen, and toilet paper. I’m not really ready for another toilet paper shortage, so I wrapped him in a blanket – I’ve heard those are good for shock – and gave him soup in a heart-shaped bowl.
I managed to get him to put down his list, but I did see him change his weather app to Celsius instead of Fahrenheit. In hindsight, making a joke about the metric system might not have been my smartest decision.
I offered that if he needs something to change twice a year instead of his clocks, he can worry about the batteries in the fire alarms. He seemed to like that. I pulled up an article and saw that it only passed the Senate. I reminded him that the good ol’ “Sunshine Protection Act” could always be vetoed by the house or the president.
I saw Mark Rubio had introduced the bill. Maybe if he ever runs for president again, I’ll consider him on the hope that he can get rid of the imperial system. Of course, though, that might result in my roommate trying to convince me to rent out an underground bunker next semester, although they are more expensive than my apartment. The only problem with that is I wouldn’t be able to even notice a change in the daylight hours outside, making his argument invalid.
Wish me luck if the clocks change.
Write to: Lilly Schmidt at firstname.lastname@example.org