Another Wednesday, another notorious opinion column from Joey. But as I sit here typing words into a document on my company-allocated computer, I can’t help but wonder: how many more nouns exist in the English vernacular that I haven’t yet covered for my rankings?
Sure, there are plenty of stones left unturned; plenty of mundane objects lying dormant on thrift store shelves, or collecting dust in never-opened cupboards. But I’m not going to write about the half-empty water bottle on the bedside table that you refuse to throw away, or the fork in the sink you’re pretending to ignore because the dried peanut butter is a pain in the rear to scrub off. Where’s the fun? The vigor? The zeal?
As such, I decided I needed a change of pace. And just like that, in true Edisonian fashion, a lightbulb turned on in my head. An original thought! I haven’t had one of those in a while, I almost forgot what it felt like.
What if instead of ranking arbitrary objects, I ranked Disney princesses? And to go even further, what if I correlated each Disney princess to a type of cheese? Is Cinderella a cheddar type of girl? Is Tiana taleggio? Stay tuned.
For the sake of both my and your time, I’ll be limiting this list to five Disney princesses. This article is already nearing 250 words and I haven’t even started the list, so let’s get started.
The princesses included in this ooey, gooey listing include Cinderella (the O.G. classic,) Ariel (dinglehoppers — I mean, forks — sold separately,) Tiana (beignets ARE included, thank you!) Rapunzel (the original girlboss,) and Snow White (who doesn’t love apples with cheese?)
If any Disney princesses I didn’t include in this article are reading this, no hard feelings, I swear. I’m sure your shifts as a character actor at Disney World are full of fun. Now get off your state-mandated 30-minute break and go sing at wailing kids!
In my mind, Ariel would be ricotta cheese. Ricotta is a whey cheese, a crumbly but soft mixture made from bringing whole milk to a near-boil. The milk turns into solid curds, which are skimmed from the pot, giving you ricotta.
Ricotta also bears a shocking resemblance to sea foam. In the original “Little Mermaid” tale, Ariel does not end up with the love of her life, Eric. As a result, she dies, turning into seafoam. So every time you put ricotta on your lasagna, know that no matter how hard you try, you will never truly be a pescatarian.
If Cinderella were a cheese, she would be bleu cheese. Many times when someone encounters bleu cheese, their first instinct is to say “ew!” and immediately throw the dish into the waiter’s face, demand for a full refund and leave a scathing review on Yelp. (That may be a bit inaccurate statistically, as I’ve only seen one person encounter bleu cheese in my lifetime, but work with me here.)
However, their “ew” may not be totally wrong. Bleu cheese is indeed made from an ewe, a female sheep. Who else is a female and has a name starting with an E? That’s right. Ella, comma, Cinder.
Cinderella also rode to the ball in a pumpkin, a vegetable known for going rotten approximately two minutes after setting them out on your front porch. Bleu cheese follows right in the pumpkin’s footsteps. If you buy a tub of bleu cheese from the grocery store, chances are it’ll be moldy before you even hit the checkout lane!
Rapunzel would obviously be string cheese, without a shadow of a doubt. I don’t even have to begin to argue this point. Moving on.
Snow White would directly correlate to a nice Camembert cheese block. Now, I can already hear the cheese fans writing their letters to the editor, telling me that Camembert and Brie are the same thing. Here’s where you’re wrong, DairyLover498: Camembert contains 45% milk fat, while Brie has 60%. That’s like comparing apples to oranges, or Variety Section Editor of The Reporter Joey Erickson to superstar Jerry Seinfeld. One is a master of comedy, with thousands of dying fans, multi-season TV deals up the wazoo, and sold out national tours. And the other is Jerry Seinfeld.
Cheese rant aside, Camembert pairs brilliantly with apples, perhaps on a nicely laid out charcuterie board. As long as the apples aren’t poisonous, we’ll all have a great time.
Our final princess, Tiana, would be a lovely Cherni Vit cheese wheel. Cherni Vit cheese is the only cheese that isn’t yellow, but instead green, created in the Bulgarian town of the same name. Many wonder why the cheese is green, not yellow. Did someone slip in a drop of food coloring? No. Did it take a dip in the Chicago River during St. Patrick’s Day and get permanently dyed green? Still no. It’s mold.
Things to think about.
Write to Joey Erickson at firstname.lastname@example.org