I’d like to start off this column by saying I’m not very good with time. I was under the assumption that this would be the last Thursday column I’d ever write for The Reporter. As such, I was going to make this last column go out with a bang, ranking the top five Reporter memories I’ve made over the year I’ve worked here.
It was going to be a sentimental one, full of cherished memories, funny moments and unforgettable happenings that the average reader wouldn’t believe if it weren’t for my unwavering, extremely accurate credibility.
But when I looked at the calendar and realized that the month of April doesn’t actually end on Thursday the 20th. I was gobsmacked. Droplets of sweat beaded up on my forehead and raced down my face by the gallon as pure stress completely overtook me.
What will I write my penultimate column on? I can’t show my vulnerability yet. I’m saving that for the last one. The website I use to generate random objects for ranking keeps giving me boring prompts, and I don’t know what a noun is, otherwise I’d come up with them myself!
And then, like a hangry hand to a nearly empty ketchup bottle, the idea struck me: Disney princesses, not as cheeses, but as lunch meats! How compelling!
So as not to anger any of the Disney princesses in the queendom, I will be basing this list off of the princesses I didn’t cover in the last column. That means I’ll be covering Belle, Mulan, Moana, Merida, and Aurora.
Instead of going by alphabetical order, I’ll be listing these princesses based on how strongly I think they’d react to drinking a vodka Red Bull. From least to most reactive, that list would go as follows: Aurora, Belle, Merida, Mulan and Moana. Don’t ask me how I know. The girls that get it, just get it!
Aurora is ham. Period. For those who may not know, ham is a type of meat! Hope this helps.
But on a more serious note, Aurora definitely falls into the meat subcategory called “ham,” mainly because of its color. Ham boasts (and even broasts, if you’re into that sort of thing,) a nice rich pinky color, very similar to the frock Aurora is seen wearing.
What many avid Disney fans don’t actually know is that Aurora’s dress is inspired by ham! Aurora’s well-known frock is famous for changing colors, from pink to blue. Ham does the same thing, if you leave it out for a while!
Belle is bologna. Or Belle-ogna, if you will! Not just any Oscar Mayer bologna, though.
The bologna slices with those little cheese pieces inside them, of course!
I’m sure many of the people reading this expect me to correlate cheese bologna with Belle because cheese is yellow, just like her dress. But the connections are rooted much deeper than that.
Not much is known about the elusive princess Belle.
We do, however, know that her birthday is May 6. What else happened on May 6? The Hindenburg Disaster? Yeah. National Crepe Suzette day? Also yes. But that’s beside the point.
Oscar Mayer, prominent meatseller, has been around for years. What are the first three letters of his last name?
May. When was Belle born? May. Belle, the princess we all previously thought was innocent, is secretly a bologna-monger! The gall!
Merida seems like she’d be a roast beef type of girl, one who could unhinge her jaw and put away a plate of roast beef in a matter of minutes. Specifically, a half pound roast beef sandwich from Arby’s. I encourage you to look up a picture of the sandwich if you’ve never seen it before, if you dare.
Spoiler alert: it’s massive. Like, an unrealistic amount of meat squeezed between two buns. I thought I was looking at an edited picture, but there really is that much meat in the sandwich.
Mulan would be firecracker shrimp.
Not lunch meat, I know. I can already hear the masses bringing out their pitchforks, to which I respond: I don’t care how big your fork is. You’re still not getting a bite of my food. My mommy said it’s only for me!
The reason Mulan is firecracker shrimp, and not a more tame version, like grilled, cocktail or popcorn, is because of the Mulan movie’s ending, where Mulan blows up Shan Yu into smithereens while everyone watches and cheers. It’s kind of morbid if you think about it, but alas. Down with the dictatorship!
Our final princess, Moana, would absolutely be chicken.
There’s actually a chicken in the movie itself, named Heihei. It’s a very interesting name for a chicken, but I guess it makes sense. Whenever I go to pick up a 10 piece nugget meal from McDonald’s, I find myself saying his name to get the attention of the cashier so I can place my order.
Things to think about.
Write to Joey Erickson at email@example.com